In marriage, and really in any close adult relationship, we can easily fall into the trap of creating a kind of prison—one built out of people-pleasing, control, and obligation. It happens subtly, but it starts when we don’t allow each other the freedom to say an honest “yes” or “no.”
Think about it: when we expect our spouse to always want to do what we do, agree with our position, or be on board with our plans, we’re setting up an expectation that can suffocate the relationship. Whether it’s something as simple as where we want to eat or something as significant as a major life decision, we can end up diminishing the relationship by not giving each other the space to make real choices.
A healthy marriage needs that freedom—the freedom for each person to say “yes” and “no.” This isn’t just about the big stuff. It’s about all the little daily choices, too. This freedom creates space for two whole, complete people to coexist, making the relationship more vibrant and alive. But here’s the tricky part: when your spouse says “no,” it’s on you to handle that disappointment without taking it personally or letting resentment build.
I’ve seen it time and again (and maybe you have, too): when one spouse constantly accommodates, giving up their desires, or when one partner takes over control—whether it’s with decisions, finances, or just the day-to-day—it creates an undercurrent of resentment. And resentment is the surest way to destroy a relationship. Research backs this up. Resentment is toxic, and it festers silently, sometimes for years.
But the antidote to resentment is choice.
Choice strengthens a relationship. When “no” isn’t an option, a “yes” becomes meaningless. It’s not love at that point—it’s control. True love, the kind that thrives in marriage, is rooted in the freedom to choose. When each partner has the space to make decisions freely, it brings more meaning to the “yes” moments. You know that when your spouse says “yes,” it’s genuine, not just a response to pressure or obligation.
When there’s room for each person to say “yes” and “no,” there’s room for true intimacy. Your spouse chooses you, just as you choose them, and that makes the relationship feel grounded in love and mutual respect, rather than control or duty.
So, if you find yourself caught in the trap of always saying “yes” or expecting your partner to do the same, take a step back. Allow for the “no,” and see how it brings new strength and meaning to the “yeses” that follow.
