Managing or controlling your spouse's behavior to ease your own anxiety is a common pattern in relationships. Here are some everyday examples and how they illustrate the difference between entanglement, over-functioning, and differentiation:
- Diet Dilemma
- Circumstance: Both spouses want to diet but have different approaches.
- Husband to Wife: “If you would stop buying [certain foods], I could stick to my diet. It’s impossible with those in the pantry.”
This is entanglement. The husband is blaming his wife for his diet struggles instead of taking personal responsibility. He could choose to avoid the foods or communicate his needs without blaming. Differentiation would involve him owning his choices and not trying to control his wife's actions to manage his diet.
- Messy Office
- Circumstance: The wife's husband has a cluttered home office, despite repeated requests to clean it.
- Wife to Husband: “It’s impossible for me to be okay with your office being such a mess. I can’t stand it any longer—I’m cleaning it myself.”
This is over-functioning. The wife is taking over the task that her husband should manage, which encourages his under-functioning. Differentiation here means the wife should let him take responsibility, even if it means the office isn’t cleaned to her standards. She needs to focus on her own responsibilities while allowing him to manage his.
- Intimacy Requests
- Circumstance: The husband asks for intimacy, and the wife feels frustrated.
- Wife to Husband: “I’m so frustrated! Why am I never enough? Why are you always asking for sex?”
This is a form of conflict and blame. The wife is using frustration and blame to deflect from her own anxieties about intimacy. Differentiation would involve her owning her desires and expressing them honestly without judgment. She needs to address her feelings directly, allowing for a more genuine connection with her husband.
Why Differentiation Matters
In marriage, couples often deal with each other's anxieties rather than focusing on their actual relationship. Differentiation helps you manage your own anxiety and stop trying to control or blame your partner. By developing a clear sense of self and addressing your anxieties directly, you can create a more authentic and balanced relationship.
Ready to Transform Your Relationship?
Learn how differentiation can help you build a more balanced and fulfilling connection with your spouse. Click https://langfordlifecoaching.as.me/freemini to schedule your free consultation and start your journey towards a healthier relationship.
