I used to believe that keeping the peace and managing my husband’s emotions was a form of kindness. I thought staying quiet and avoiding conflict would strengthen our marriage. But this belief was fundamentally flawed, and here's why.
The Pursue/Hide Dynamic
Staying quiet to avoid conflict often isn’t about kindness; it’s a form of control. It’s a way to lower your own anxiety by managing or hiding from the problem rather than confronting it. This behavior creates a “pursue/hide” dynamic:
- Pursue/Hide: One partner may pursue the issue, while the other hides from it, leading to unresolved conflicts and emotional distance.
I was caught in this trap, believing that by agreeing with my husband or keeping my feelings to myself, I was being supportive. But this approach:
- Avoids the Problem: Staying quiet often means avoiding honest feedback and avoiding the real issues that need addressing.
- Creates Resentment: By not expressing my true feelings or needs, I built up resentment, which eroded the relationship over time.
- Over Functions: Trying to calm my husband’s anger or manage his emotions placed an unfair burden on me and didn’t help him learn to regulate his feelings.
The Real Issue: Control vs. Authentic Connection
Keeping the peace is often an unconscious move to control or avoid confrontation, not an act of kindness. It’s a defense mechanism that may have developed as a survival strategy but is ultimately damaging.
Instead of managing or controlling your partner, focus on:
- Honesty: Embrace honesty in your relationship. Share your thoughts, feelings, and needs openly. This creates a foundation for genuine communication.
- Emotional Regulation: Understand that each partner is responsible for their own emotional regulation. I realized that my husband’s ability to thrive wasn’t my responsibility—it was his. Similarly, I needed to take ownership of my own emotional well-being.
The Path to a Thriving Marriage
When you prioritize truth and self-regulation, you move away from control and towards authentic intimacy. Here’s how to build a healthier relationship:
- Value Yourself: Take care of your own emotional needs and well-being.
- Choose Honesty: Engage in honest communication that fosters understanding and connection.
- Encourage Independence: Support your partner in managing their emotions while also taking responsibility for your own.
By focusing on these aspects, you create space for both partners to thrive independently and together, leading to a more fulfilling and intimate marriage.
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