One thing that continues to surprise me in marriage relationships is how little couples actually talk about their sexual intimacy. We enter marriage with all these unspoken rules or ideas about sex, often based on our family upbringing, religious teachings, or—let’s be honest—romantic movies and TV shows. But here's the thing: these external sources, while sometimes useful, are rarely enough to sustain an entire sexual relationship.
What I’ve seen over and over is that couples never really sit down to have an honest conversation about what they want their sexual relationship to be. Instead, they operate on these vague, often conflicting assumptions about sex. And this leaves a lot of room for misunderstanding, low desire, duty sex, or just plain bad sex. No one wants that.
And I definitely want you to have great sex—intimacy that’s fulfilling, erotic, and deeply connected. In the words of Esther Perel, I want you to create a marriage where you can "buy a home and be naughty in it." I want your relationship to be a space where you can be both friends and lovers—a place where your sexuality is welcome, playful, and replenishing.
Here’s the truth: because sexuality is so deeply vulnerable and exposing, it requires a safe space to truly flourish. That safe space is built on trust, openness, and communication. You can’t assume that things will magically “click” in the bedroom without first creating an environment where both of you feel free to bring your full sexual selves. So how do you get there?
It all starts with having the conversation—the one where you both create an “adult playground” that feels good for both of you. This isn’t just a one-time talk but an ongoing dialogue where you explore what works, what doesn’t, and what excites you. The key is to be open and non-judgmental, making sure not to “yuck your spouse’s yum.” There’s a huge range of sexual preferences, and exploring that together is part of the adventure. But let me be very clear: you are never obligated to perform any sexual act. Period. This is about creating a space where both of you feel seen, known, and free to express yourselves.
So, where do you even begin? Here are some questions to kickstart your conversation:
- What are your absolute no's? What are your yes's? What about the maybe’s when it comes to sex?
- How do you like to talk about sex? What language do you use?
- Scheduled sex or unscheduled? Which feels more fun or realistic for you?
- What positions do you prefer? Which ones aren't as comfortable or enjoyable?
- How do you like to be touched? Deep, light, tickly, restraining?
- What are your thoughts on using lube? If yes, what types work for you?
- Toys: Are they okay? If yes, what kinds do you enjoy?
- What about lingerie or specific clothing? Does it enhance the experience for either of you?
- Is sexting something you're both comfortable with?
- Taking pictures—yay or nay?
- Role play: Are you both into it? If yes, what kinds of scenarios feel fun or exciting?
- Solo sex: Is this something you discuss? Yes or no?
- Massage: Where do you enjoy being touched? How do you like it?
- Ever thought about trying tantric or slow sex?
- Where do you feel comfortable being intimate—bedroom only, or other places too?
- What helps you get in the mood? What instantly kills the vibe for you?
These are just starting points, but I encourage you to keep the conversation going and revisit these topics often. Our needs and desires change over time, and the more you communicate, the more you can evolve together.
If you want more help creating this “adult playground” in your marriage, I’m here for you! Click on my free consult link, and let’s get started.
