In many marriages, especially faith-based ones, couples often confuse being "nice" with being kind. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, and staying polite is the best way to show love. But when this happens, couples unknowingly create polite marriages that lack intimacy and emotional depth.
Tessa West hit the nail on the head when she said, “Ironically, the biggest way to destroy psychological safety is through a culture of niceness because you don't really know what anyone actually thinks.” If you’ve built a culture of niceness in your marriage, you might feel like things are smooth on the surface, but underneath, there’s a lack of real psychological safety. And without that, your desire, connection, and intimacy can quietly wither away.
Here’s the key: If you want to be kind, the most kind thing you can do is be honest. That means being brutally honest with yourself first. It’s about acknowledging how you might be undermining your relationship. Are you using anger or sadness to control your spouse’s behavior, so they’ll do what you want? Are you constantly accommodating them but quietly resenting it? Do you always need to be right, prioritizing winning over connection? These are tough questions, but being honest with yourself about these behaviors can build intimacy and emotional security in your marriage.
As Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife says, “If you prioritize peace over truth, you'll have a polite relationship but not an intimate one.” Intimacy isn’t born from avoiding discomfort; it’s built on truth—even when the truth is uncomfortable.
The second way to be kind is to be honest about your spouse’s behaviors and how they affect you. For example, if your spouse is pulling for you to caretake them in a way that lessens your desire for them, it’s actually kind to speak up and let them know. Or, if your spouse tends to withdraw from discussions, leaving you feeling stonewalled, kindness looks like telling them how this behavior impacts you.
Politeness may feel safe in the moment, but it often prevents true connection. Real kindness is sometimes messy, requiring you to confront uncomfortable truths, which might temporarily create a rupture in the relationship. But it’s this process of honesty and repair that makes both individuals and the relationship stronger.
Now, to be clear: I’m not suggesting being mean, overly critical, or constantly complaining. What I am suggesting is that honesty—with yourself and your spouse—is foundational to creating the kind of intimacy we all crave.
If you’re ready to move beyond “nice” and build a relationship where real intimacy can flourish, click the link to schedule a free consult.
Let’s start creating the honest, kind connection you deserve.
