Just listen. Says your spouse.
Easy. Right???
Wrong!!!
Simple to say "just listen" and very hard to ACTUALLY listen and hear- especially when your spouse is saying something hard to hear, conflictual, or about you.
Instead of listening we get distracted, lost in our thoughts, in a rush, watching a device and not paying attention.
We get defensive and immediately begin gathering all the evidence to prove why we're right to defend our position.
We are too busy thinking of our answers and prepping our response- instead of listening.
We refute, combat, argue, nitpick, discredit, stonewall, and become guarded or withdrawn.
We may feel triggered, threatened, insecure or angry and leave or end the conversation.
We may pout, feel like a victim and emotionally check out of the conversation. Or we may just avoid the conversation all together.
We have a million built-in mechanisms to NOT listen.
And not many mechanisms FOR attentive listening.
Within a relationship most people want to be seen and heard- it is a sign of deep love, respect and trust.
Honestly, I was not a great listener. I just wanted my spouse or kids to spit it out fast so we could move on to a solution or I could get back to whatever I was doing. Not a great listening strategy.
One thing coaching has taught me is curiosity really helps with listening.
To be curious means to listen with the intent to understand, instead of reply. To be curious you must assume you don't have all the answers already and listening may broaden your understanding. To be curious you wonder and are interested in what the other person's experience is like and why. To be curious means you are open and not defensive. To be curious means you see another with a sense of respect or wonder.
Being curious has helped me to stay engaged, ask questions, check in to make sure I'm understanding, stay present and lower my defenses.
I'm curious if you'd be willing to try it out too!!! Let me know in the comment if being curious helps you!
